Sunday, April 19, 2009

All Animals Are Created Equal

I recently reread Animal Farm yet again and as usual it never fails to disappoint. If you've never read it you should and you should do it today! The thing's less than 100 pages but trust me, it's pure entertainment and gets the ol' melon ticking away. The story is a satire of the Russian Revolution in which the animals of Manor Farm stage a revolution, overthrow their evil human masters and attempt to create their ideal society. The pigs emerge as the natural leaders and unsurprisingly power begets corruption. Anywho, I don't want to spoil it but once again if you've never read it, go out and buy it and help end the recession... or you could always go to the library like a loser.

That last sentance was inspired by a former roommate of mine who lost his lisence for muliple DUIs and when I said I was taking the bus downtown he grabbed my arm, looked me straight in the eyes and said with the all seriousness "Andrew, the bus is for losers." I never forgot those wise words but the influence of his wisdom lost it's lustre slightly when he came home drunk one night, staggered into a bathroom we were renovating and took a dump in a toilet that wasn't connected to anything. And now that we've come full circle on today's postings of drunkenness, communism, and farts I bid you adieu.

Andrew's A Working Man

Well the dream is over. No longer am I a kept man by the Canadian government; this guy is back to work tomorrow morning. Ugh, just writing that gave me that sickly Monday morning feeling (or perchaps I'm not as hangover free as I believe myself to be). Irregardless, I'm actually really looking forward to the new gig and can't wait to get back into a schedule that doesn't include hours of cover letter writing everyday. Wish me luck!

Lindsay Lohan Gets Messy Drunk In Act of Solidarity With Andrew

Normally I wouldn't post this kind of stuff but I think there's a pretty good chance I was within one drink of looking like this last night. It would seem that I thought the best way to celebrate my return to Calgary was by drinking the town out of vodka. While I'm more than slightly embarrassed for my sloppiness at least I'm hangover free today... and that, kids, is why you should always stick to clear liquids and avoid sugary mixes when you drink.

GOP Endorses Cow Farts for 2012

In continued efforts to prove that they're really on the cutting edge of human intelligence, the GOP has once again shunned off climate change as real citing the fact that cows have been farting for millennium and the world hasn't turned into the Sahara desert.

Personally I think this is a preemptive statement to ensure Rush Limbaugh doesn't have to start paying a carbon tax for all the hot air coming out of his orifices. Let's face it, one look at Rush and you know he's not the kind of guy you want to be sitting next to on a 14 hour flight from LA to Sydney. There's no doubt in my mind that Rush drops nasty bombs frequently and likely with gusto. And with that I'll leave you all to enjoy your lunch.

Jackie Chan Is An Idiot

I'd hate to point out the irony (or is it hypocrisy?) of Jackie Chan employing/enjoying his freedom of speech to encourage it's continued suppression amongst his countrymen. Personally, I think Jackie's a bit concerned that he's no spring chicken and there's approximately 600 million Chinese dudes that could probably fill his movie roles and 95% of the North American audience wouldn't notice any difference.

I gotta say, this one really got my blood boiling. I mean what a friggin douchebag for spouting off like this! This guy is one of the lucky few from China who has been granted all the personal freedoms a man can receive which has allowed him to be incredibly successful and enjoy all the fruits of his labour and he has the audacity to stagger up to the pulpit and suggest that his countrymen don't deserve the same freedoms. Sheesh! That's it, I'm officially boycotting Jackie Chan movies until the Chinese have the freedom to kick Jackie Chan in the face. I know this will really put a kink in my Sunday plans for a Rush Hour I, II & III movie-a-thon, but we all need to make sacrifices if this boycott is going to work.

Tardy Pass

Apologies all around for my tardiness on the blog front. I was in Arizona for a week visiting my snowbirding parents and I'd lie and say that Al Gore hasn't invented the internet in Arizona yet but some upstart would probably prove me wrong. I had a fantastic time rife with golfing, yoga, hiking, swimming, eating, drinking and overall shaking off of Calgary winter.

The good news is that I have a new job that I'm starting on Monday the bad news is that I have no plans to change the name of the blog so for all intents and purposes we shall continue under the pretense that I have ample time to peruse news outlets for random factoids for your general enjoyment (and by enjoyment I mean distraction).

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Jesus Promotes Condom Use; Keeps It Real

Take that Benedict XVI!

Besides, taking a virgin's advice on using condoms is like taking a baby's advice on your taxes, or Octomom's advice on constraint, or Michele Bachmann's advice on mental stability. In short, Benny the 16th don't know jack about bagging your dagger.