Sunday, April 19, 2009

All Animals Are Created Equal

I recently reread Animal Farm yet again and as usual it never fails to disappoint. If you've never read it you should and you should do it today! The thing's less than 100 pages but trust me, it's pure entertainment and gets the ol' melon ticking away. The story is a satire of the Russian Revolution in which the animals of Manor Farm stage a revolution, overthrow their evil human masters and attempt to create their ideal society. The pigs emerge as the natural leaders and unsurprisingly power begets corruption. Anywho, I don't want to spoil it but once again if you've never read it, go out and buy it and help end the recession... or you could always go to the library like a loser.

That last sentance was inspired by a former roommate of mine who lost his lisence for muliple DUIs and when I said I was taking the bus downtown he grabbed my arm, looked me straight in the eyes and said with the all seriousness "Andrew, the bus is for losers." I never forgot those wise words but the influence of his wisdom lost it's lustre slightly when he came home drunk one night, staggered into a bathroom we were renovating and took a dump in a toilet that wasn't connected to anything. And now that we've come full circle on today's postings of drunkenness, communism, and farts I bid you adieu.

Andrew's A Working Man

Well the dream is over. No longer am I a kept man by the Canadian government; this guy is back to work tomorrow morning. Ugh, just writing that gave me that sickly Monday morning feeling (or perchaps I'm not as hangover free as I believe myself to be). Irregardless, I'm actually really looking forward to the new gig and can't wait to get back into a schedule that doesn't include hours of cover letter writing everyday. Wish me luck!

Lindsay Lohan Gets Messy Drunk In Act of Solidarity With Andrew

Normally I wouldn't post this kind of stuff but I think there's a pretty good chance I was within one drink of looking like this last night. It would seem that I thought the best way to celebrate my return to Calgary was by drinking the town out of vodka. While I'm more than slightly embarrassed for my sloppiness at least I'm hangover free today... and that, kids, is why you should always stick to clear liquids and avoid sugary mixes when you drink.

GOP Endorses Cow Farts for 2012

In continued efforts to prove that they're really on the cutting edge of human intelligence, the GOP has once again shunned off climate change as real citing the fact that cows have been farting for millennium and the world hasn't turned into the Sahara desert.

Personally I think this is a preemptive statement to ensure Rush Limbaugh doesn't have to start paying a carbon tax for all the hot air coming out of his orifices. Let's face it, one look at Rush and you know he's not the kind of guy you want to be sitting next to on a 14 hour flight from LA to Sydney. There's no doubt in my mind that Rush drops nasty bombs frequently and likely with gusto. And with that I'll leave you all to enjoy your lunch.

Jackie Chan Is An Idiot

I'd hate to point out the irony (or is it hypocrisy?) of Jackie Chan employing/enjoying his freedom of speech to encourage it's continued suppression amongst his countrymen. Personally, I think Jackie's a bit concerned that he's no spring chicken and there's approximately 600 million Chinese dudes that could probably fill his movie roles and 95% of the North American audience wouldn't notice any difference.

I gotta say, this one really got my blood boiling. I mean what a friggin douchebag for spouting off like this! This guy is one of the lucky few from China who has been granted all the personal freedoms a man can receive which has allowed him to be incredibly successful and enjoy all the fruits of his labour and he has the audacity to stagger up to the pulpit and suggest that his countrymen don't deserve the same freedoms. Sheesh! That's it, I'm officially boycotting Jackie Chan movies until the Chinese have the freedom to kick Jackie Chan in the face. I know this will really put a kink in my Sunday plans for a Rush Hour I, II & III movie-a-thon, but we all need to make sacrifices if this boycott is going to work.

Tardy Pass

Apologies all around for my tardiness on the blog front. I was in Arizona for a week visiting my snowbirding parents and I'd lie and say that Al Gore hasn't invented the internet in Arizona yet but some upstart would probably prove me wrong. I had a fantastic time rife with golfing, yoga, hiking, swimming, eating, drinking and overall shaking off of Calgary winter.

The good news is that I have a new job that I'm starting on Monday the bad news is that I have no plans to change the name of the blog so for all intents and purposes we shall continue under the pretense that I have ample time to peruse news outlets for random factoids for your general enjoyment (and by enjoyment I mean distraction).

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Jesus Promotes Condom Use; Keeps It Real

Take that Benedict XVI!

Besides, taking a virgin's advice on using condoms is like taking a baby's advice on your taxes, or Octomom's advice on constraint, or Michele Bachmann's advice on mental stability. In short, Benny the 16th don't know jack about bagging your dagger.

Britney Experiences Vancouver's Charm... Secondhand

Evidently Ms. Spears has never held a concert in Vancouver before... or been to a park in Vancouver... or been to the beach in Vancouver... or walked on the street in Vancouver... or gone to the opera in Vancouver... or been to an old folks home in Vancouver... or... well, I think you get my point - they smoke a lot of weed:

Post show statement: "Let us remind you this was a Britney Spears concert, not a Phish show — did you guys really need a doobie to get through 'Toxic'?"

Clearly Britney's never listened to her own music sober or she'd know the answer to that question...

Sister Nobili Wasn't Like The Other Nuns... Mostly Because of the Gratuitous Nudity

"... the transformation from podium lap dancer to nun happened gradually."

Just how does that work? Did she start in a g-string and end in a habit?

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Now That You Mention It, Limbaugh DOES Look a Little Like Goebbles

Who am I kidding, there's nothing little about Limbaugh... he looks more like he just ate Goebbles.

Anywho, I'm really ecstatic to hear that at least some people who listen to Limbaugh have the gall to call him up and read him the riot act. So long as the bile that Rush spews is continued to be viewed as infallible by Republicans, the more the GOP will descend from a national party into a fear-mongering, fringe party; and that's entirely unhealthy for the future of American democracy.

P.s. I have no idea what Rush's "Operation Chaos" was all about, but it kind of sounds like something that Butters' alter ego would come up with.


Turkish Anchor Finds Subtle Way to Highlight That Obama's Black

Oh my god, oh my freakin' god:

Monday, April 6, 2009

If At First You Don't Succeed: Fail, Fail Again

Brilliant strategy for Team USA to employ in 2010. As a masochistic Leaf fan I have no doubt this will pay similar dividends and give the players of Team USA plenty of time to see the sights in Vancouver and not be distracted with pesky things like playing hockey when it really counts:

On a related note, I hear golf courses are opening up in and around Toronto. Thank goodness for that, I'd hate for my Leafs to have too much downtime during the playoffs this year.

Church and State to Separate? Will Share Custody of GOP

With the future of the religious movement in a state of flux I think this article's worth a gander. Religion's a very personal thing and when it comes down to it more effective on the individual or community level than at a national, political lobbying level.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Cool Pics Around the World From Earth Hour 2009

(Thanks Sara for the link!)

Hold Up, I Pissed Away The Last Boom, Can We Stave Off This Contraction Until I Pay Off My Hummer??

Ruh Roh! If history does indeed repeat itself, it's time to invest in the manufacturers of bumper stickers, Alberta!

Updated: Here's a good G&M article that gives you a bit more of the guts of what's going on than friggin' lame-ass Metro News, enjoy:

Alberta Liberal Party Does Some Spring Cleaning; Lays Off ENTIRE Staff

This is a lesson on the fate of democracy when you have one party in power for 40 years. This province is so whack sometimes it astounds me. Barely 40% of the electorate voted in 2007 and now the official opposition has basically capitulated:

Isreali Airbrushing Tactics Unlikely to Be Used For Vogue

Despite the title I think this whole incident is ridiculous. Especially given all the furor regarding the new laws associated with women's rights in Afghanistan I wonder if Canada will take the same tone with Isreal... methinks not.

Friday, April 3, 2009

As Iowa Goes, So Goes The Nation

Pretty fantastic news for gay rights coming out of middle America Iowa this morning:

Sarah Palin Takes High Ground on "Negative Things", Adds Being Univited to Evolution, Gay Rights and Liberal Feminist Agendas

How come Alaska's never as far away as you want it to be??

How NASA Intends to Overcome the 'Space Gap'; Breed New Generation of Astro-Explorers

Finally I find something worthwhile on Fox News:,2933,512397,00.html

How Much Do You Tip A Yacht Delivery Boy?

Apparently the Calgary Herald Heard I was writing a blog

Eek, I'd Hate To Be A Fly On The Wall of This "De-Briefing"

Gosh, I hope Ignatieff's short leash for Harper is long enough they didn't have to share a stall:

Madonna Misses Malawi Child BOGO Sale, May Be Forced To Unfreeze Eggs

Poor Madge, this is the unfortunate side of over-regulation...

Unemployed Is The New Blogger

I lost my job this week so I figured there's no better use of time than jumping on a soapbox in search of disciples. I intend to go with the shit shotgun approach and see what sticks so the good news is that if you like any of the following subjects you'll find something to read here: politics, economics, hilariousness, celebrity gossip, books, seriousness, TV, movies, travel and whatever else pops into my unemployed little head (such as how simple it is to apply for EI).

See ya!